Hey again. Well here we go, once more into the deep. So far, not too good porn is still a daily occurrence, but I haven’t tried to booty call anyone so I guess that is a start. I guess the place to be is sitting solidly behind a plan, which has yet to come to me. I’m kind of a boat floating on and running myself against the same rocks day after day.

I mean the place to start is probably why I think I have a problem, and the answer is the wall. Not a literal wall, but the imagined wall that Pink Floyd made music about on their album “The Wall.” Part of my addiction is lying, a lot. Lying about what I’m doing to my parents, lying about my feelings to women, making excuses for not leaving my dorm after my roommate has left. Each of these things helps to put another brick between myself and the people that I care about. When you can lie to your own goddamn mother without her suspecting a thing you have a FUCKING problem. When you cant feel the hurt it causes people anymore because you have calluses on that emotional part of your body, that is when you, well I, knew this needed to stop. 

So the plan. THE PLAN. What a joke, it is only a plan if I am willing to follow it, and I want to but we will have to see if I am even strong enough for that. The goal I guess would to be reach a healthy sexual state, it would be no good (and no fun) to just give it all up completely, so I’ll have to just have everything at a controllable level. No porn everyday, no sex outside of a relationship (maybe sometimes?) that probably sums it up. What to do, what to do…

Well I came to this website because I could thought I could be a lens to a world that maybe others don’t understand, but I realize I can ask you for help too. So if you read this, I’m going to ask you to keep me honest. One post a week, minimum, and a reason to work for this goddamned thing. So anonymously I do this for you. Not because you matter, or I know you, but so that I can be better for you, even if we never meet.

I’ll keep you updated,

Love

Anonymous d-_-b

I won’t give you my name. I won’t give you my name because I am ashamed of who I have become, and in all honesty anonymity makes all of this a hell of a lot easier. I don’t have to know you, you don’t have to know me. I’ll give you some insight into who I am though, otherwise this narrative would seem to be complete bullshit. I’m an 18 year old male college student, (not a good start on the sex addict thing) living in northern Arizona. I come from a good background, both parents in the house, a younger brother, a dog, apple pie and an American flag. Life is good for the most part, though we all have our personal tragedies. I am a musician, and an athlete. An old hearted romantic and an adventurer. I’m a sex addict and a liar.

I am not going to coddle these posts, no point. It wouldn’t tell the story if I did so prepare for details, no matter how bad it hurts.

The first time I saw porn, real porn, not a ten-second tit flash on a rated R movie, I was a little past 12 years old. Like most kids that age I was seeing the girls around me begin to develop, some FAR quicker than others. I noticed, then I’d go home at night and try to remember what I saw that day, or lacking memory I’d make something up. One day was different however, when I got home I went on to my computer and looked in the history. It was around Christmas, so I thought maybe I’d get a clue from that little bar of incrimination. The website at the top was called Redclouds, and I clicked on it. The next thing I knew I saw women, real women, and men doing things that I didn’t even know about. It was beautiful and dirty and secret. That night I had my first orgasm. Bullshit really, I can even remember that, and remember the shame I felt after it happened. I didn’t even understand it, but I felt I had done something dirty.

Ever since then, porn has become a big part of my life, and a bigger part of my addiction. It is my upper and my downer, and no matter what, I feel horrible afterwards. Porn isn’t my only problem though. I had my first sexual encounter with a girl when I was fourteen. She was sixteen. We would often go to her house and make out but one day my hand found its way down her pants, and her hand found its way onto mine. From that day I started to understand women in a different way, an attainable way. When I was sixteen I had actual sex for the first time, inexperienced but excited it went on for an hour and a half. I was surprised by the amount of time, but I believe it was mostly due to an inability to figure out what I was doing. I stayed with that girl for nine months, then it was on to different fish to fry.

I don’t think of myself as a promiscuous person, but looking back it is much easier to see. From the age of 14 until I had sex at 16 I had encountered 3 girls sexually, which is fine. However, from 16 to 18 I have either had sex with or fooled around with 10 to 11 girls. Most of these within the past five months. It is in some ways an upsetting trend. Which brings me to addiction. What makes me feel addicted is that I don’t do any of this because it is fun, which it mostly isn’t, or that it feels good, (which it sometimes does), I do it because I am bored and honestly because I enjoy the rush of getting another person to agree to do these things with me. Last night I had a friend over to play some music, by the end of the night we were upstairs and she was giving me a handjob. (“Sorry babe, no condoms.”) I don’t particularly care for her sexually, or find her attractive, but I knew I could get her to do these things, so I put things into motion. The thing that bothers me is that I care for her as a friend, and I am just hurting her by doing this. I don’t want to be the person who hurts the people I care about because I want to get off.

Welcome to SA. My name is Anonymous and these are the confessions of a sex addict.